How To Spot The Dating Red Flags In Yourself

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Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) talks us through the flags that may be holding us back when looking for love.

Recently I wrote a Wingman column about dating ‘red flags’ to watch for when you meet someone new. Now it’s the turn for the wonderful you! What are your own dating red flags that put other people off?

If you can get to grips with these behaviours, when you first meet someone, it will lead to more successful dating.

Here are three key red flags to watch for:

1/ Believing you have to find the ‘perfect’ match 

The foundation for a happy new relationship is all about matching on key things with your personalities. These include having a similar moral code and outlook on life. 

However, no match is ‘perfect’. If you keep looking for that perfect person there will be subtle signs in your behaviour when you’re with someone new that appear negative or off-putting. For instance, you might raise your eyebrows when they talk about one of their hobbies that doesn’t interest you. Two people can have a perfectly happy relationship without sharing every single hobby. 

Keep this in mind as you meet new people. That you focus on the essence of their personality – which is really important like that they are respectful. And you’re not focusing on the superficial - like that hobby you find dull if you like a lot about the rest of them.

2/ Wanting too much, too soon 

Most singles find it easy enough to see when someone they’ve met want too much too soon – always messaging, always wanting to meet up, etc.

But spotting it in yourself? That’s trickier. For every time you have thought someone wants too much, too soon, there may well be someone who felt that about you at some point.

To prevent this, take a moment before you send that extra message. Take a moment before you suggest meeting up again straightaway. Give yourself a chance to reflect on whether this might come across as wanting things to move along too quickly. Such reflection can prevent you coming across this way.

3/ Express yourself 

You can miss out on a good thing by feeling you can’t express your opinions. That new person asks where you want to meet and you tell them to decide. They ask what time is good for you and again you ask what works for them. They ask your opinion on a film that’s just come out, and you hesitate because you don’t want to come across as “too opinionated”. 

Scratch that, most people want to have dates with people who know their minds – obviously with flexibility, like being prepared to go to a different film-genre then you usually do. However, you can add confidently that you don’t normally go to that genre. 

Otherwise, it comes across as a red flag to them, that you are someone who either doesn’t know your mind or feels too insecure to share it. 

Knowing your mind but also being open-minded is an extremely desirable quality.

Happy dating, Pam x 

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