Why Your High Expectations for First Time Sex Might Deflate in the Bedroom

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Our relationship expert, Dr Pam Spurr (on Twitter @drpamspurr) gives us a checklist of mood-killers to look out for.

You know those feelings – you both seem really into each other, ready for sex, but you or they might struggle when you first take the plunge between the sheets. Often this is due to ‘desire issues’ or them unable to get aroused. 

Despite being new partners – where you assume you’re going to have earth-shaking sex – it doesn’t mean certain things won’t affect you.

When you've got lots of competing feelings and possible reasons for why you aren't in the mood for sex – or he can’t get physically aroused – you can look at the main culprits. 

Checklist for passion-killing culprits (This checklist applies to you both - many of the same issues affect our desire and arousal) 

Lifestyle issues/choices 

  • Out-of-control stress and long working hours
  • Poor quality sleep
  • Drinking to excess 
  • Smoking - smoking impairs circulation and men who smoke are much more likely to get erectile difficulties 
  • ‘Recreational’ drug use
  • Being overweight to the extent it leads to poor circulation – good circulation’s important to sexual arousal

Relationship issues 

  • Worries about your new relationship unrelated to sex - can affect sexual desire 
  •  Feeling anxious about what he/she expects from your relationship 
  • Not having enough time together so things feel rushed, stressed or distant 
  • Feeling uneasy about communicating honestly between you

Emotional and/or mental health issues 

  • Body image issues
  • Low self-esteem, low self-confidence or low sexual confidence
  • Shyness and specifically sexual inhibitions
  • Depression and anxiety 
  • Other mental health issues
  • The side effects of medication taken for mental health issues

Medical issues 

  • Diabetes and other medical problems
  •  Physical problems like having a bad back or other injuries
  • Heart problems, blood pressure and other circulatory problems
  • The side effects of medication taken for medical problems
  • The side effects of some birth control medication

This is a great list to think over on your own and also discuss with each other.

“With each other?” I hear you ask.

Yes! If you’re going to bed with them, you should be able to talk to each other. The best sex begins with great communication.

Take this as a little reassurance – even if you’ve only been dating a while, research shows how powerfully our brains effect sexual desire.

A word of caution: Always check with your doctor if you think there may be a medical reason for lack of sexual arousal or interest.

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