Why Sober Sex Can Sizzle

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Our relationship expert, Dr Pam Spurr (@drpamspurr on Instagram and Twitter) shares the importance of honest sex.

This is a serious one this week! I’ve written many times about drinking and diving between the sheets. Many couples who have just started dating, drink to excess because of nerves. But it’s quite sobering that 1 in 10 couples hasn't had sober sex in over six months. I wanted to share a few thoughts about this with you.

It’s absolutely true that sex can be fun after a night out clubbing or living it up with friends, having had plenty of drinks. And survey after survey shows that many women confide they shed inhibitions faster than they shed their clothing when they have a romp fuelled by a few drinks.  

What’s actually going on here?

When I talk to clients about this, it’s often about feeling too shy to let go with sober sex. When I dig a bit deeper, this is usually about body-image worries that stop women enjoying it – but this is increasingly true for men also. People often feel more secure with the lights out and the sheets pulled up around their neck if they’re sober. But being bundled up isn’t the best way forward. 

‘Reliance’ isn’t a good thing!

I’m sure you know that relying on drinks to make sex sizzle is ultimately harmful for your health plus your confidence and new relationship. If you plan to stay in this relationship for a while and turn it into more than “just dating”, one of the great things about a happy relationship is being able to be yourself. Warts and all. 

Self-acceptance like that includes accepting you don't have a perfect body, and you don't know tons of different sex positions, and perhaps you haven't got a clue about how to give (and receive) great oral sex. 

Once you’re part of a loved-up couple these things don't matter because together, with time and trust, you learn how to satisfy each other. If it’s an empowering relationship also boost each other’s confidence through the highs and lows. Let’s face it, even the best relationships have highs and lows. 

Trial-and-error can be a laugh!

It’s also very reassuring that everything’s okay when you giggle together after trial-and-error sex-techniques have been more about the errors. You will also come to find – just as your partner will – that your insecurities are things that just don't matter to them. 

When you learn to relate to each other when sober - or at least only a little tipsy - this naturally increases confidence in a way that alcohol never can. Ultimately, after the initial dating phase if you keep falling into bed for drunken rumbles it will begin to kill off your intimacy. This is because you're less likely to pay attention to each other's desires and less likely to communicate well with each other. 

And when excess alcohol is involved, even if you do swing from the chandeliers, neither of you will remember much. For the men reading this, I hate to break it to you but if you keep up this level of drinking, you won't be able to keep ‘it’ up! 

Time for some honesty! 

If you’re both drinking too much before slipping between the sheets it doesn’t bode well for a long-term relationship. And it might be a sign that things are never going to end up as true emotional – and sexual – intimacy between you. 

Definitely start being more honest about your needs both outside and inside of the bedroom. If you really want to make the most of this new relationship, cut down a little on the drinks, definitely focus on the positives you share, and learn to speak up when you need extra love and affection. 

These basic ingredients will lead to more confidence to experiment a little with foreplay when you’re sober. Date coaching clients have told me before how surprised they are that they actually enjoy more sensual sensations when sober. This is when sex really starts to take off! Plus your new relationship does too.

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