Why Scenario-ising Can Affect Your Relationship
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (@drpamspurr on Twitter and Instagram) tells us why daydreaming about future plans early on could set you up for failure in your new relationship.
When we are single and looking for love - or we are in the early stages of dating someone new - it’s extremely common to daydream about the possibilities in front of us. There’s nothing wrong with a little daydreaming about a happy future, finding the right person, what sort of person we would like to be with, etc.
But there is a problem when we cross into what I call ‘scenario-ising’. This is where you’ve just met someone and you start – in your own mind – creating scenarios with them. You scenario-ise about them falling madly in love with you, the babies you might have (if you want children), your wedding day (if you’re hoping to marry someone) and even things like the way you would decorate your home together.
Scenario-ising can lead to disappointment
The problem is that scenario-ising usually leads to disappointment. Someone who is prone to jumping into relationships too quickly, can easily fall into this trap within the first couple dates.
They start imagining hanging out with that new person’s family, getting on with that new person’s friends, and even naming the babies you two will have in the future! You visualise these happily-ever-after scenarios too early on.
Scenario-ising often leads to feelings like you aren’t ‘good enough’ because your new relationship doesn’t take the path you imagined. Or things don’t happen as quickly as you want.
Plus, that new person can often ‘read’ in you that you are creating the scenarios in your imagination. Without realising it, you can give away little cues about what you’re thinking.
It’s far better to let things unfold naturally and to resist fast-forwarding to those future scenarios. Obviously, you need to keep the pace of a new relationship in your control as much as possible. But that is more about how you control the timing of things – like how often you see that new person, how much personal information you share with them early on, and those sorts of things.
Of course, no one can stop a bit of daydreaming and scenario-ising but it’s being aware of it that helps you control it. If you start fantasising about having babies with this new person (trust me, I’m not having a dig at women here because both men and women do this) tell yourself to not worry about those things that are so far in the future right now. Tell yourself that it’s far better to think about things like fun and creative dates, rather than worrying about something that might happen in a few years or never happen.
Also be aware if you’ve had the tendency to try and push things along too quickly that you just slow it down a bit. Develop your confidence in yourself as a worthy partner rather than getting caught up in the future scenarios that you paint every tiny detail into.
Try to take a ‘go with the flow’ attitude rather than rushing things. And get those fantasy scenarios of what your honeymoon is going to be like, out of your head until one of you proposes.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
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