When the sex is better than their personality

If you’re a regular reader of Wingman blog, you’ll know that occasionally I like to do a Q and A. This interesting dilemma came into my website. And as it’s a slightly different perspective than the usual “dating and sex” issue, I thought I would answer it here.

QUESTION:

I was single for quite some time, enjoying doing what I wanted to. If I found someone attractive, I was happy to get into bed with them because I have my needs like any woman has. 

I met this man a couple months ago and after messaging we finally met. On our second meet up, we had mind blowing sex. He really knew how to satisfy me. 

However, his personality doesn’t do it for me. Our interests are very different and I work hard during the week and like to play hard at the weekend. He is much more laid back at the weekend and I find it a bit boring on the couple of occasions that I’ve hung out with him. 

Because I really love sex with him I’d quite like to just have an occasional hookup with him. I don’t think he sees it that way. I think he is much more of a serious person and is probably looking for someone to settle down with. 

I certainly can’t see him becoming my partner and I don’t want to lead him on. I’m not blowing my own horn but I’m highly successful in my field and I’m really looking for someone who matches my drive and determination. But that great sex means I’ve continued to occasionally meet up with him. 

Don’t get me wrong, he hasn’t pledged undying love to me but I have a feeling that he is much more into me then I am into him.

How do you think I could explore this with him, letting him know that I don’t want a relationship and that I want to continue dating other people but I don’t want to lose the great sex? 

Thank you, Jayne. 

ANSWER:

Jayne, what you’re describing is actually what many women think that many men - no-strings, fun-sex dating. But obviously you know differently because your living proof that’s what you want with him right now. And you realise that he may be a bit put out if you hintedthat you’re thinking along these lines. These sexual stereotypical roles can be a burden to women (and men) who don’t feel the way society generally expects them to feel.

There are essentially two things you can try. You can either subtly try losing some of the"relationship" stuff. For example, make fewer phone calls to him, respond less to hismessages, and see him less frequently.

When you see him, you can drag him into the bedroom for a fun session. And then continue to keep it really chilled out with him when you’re not seeing him.

Or you can take the genuine approach - the one that I think you would learn from - as we all need to learn about communicating over difficult things. And that means in a carefully chosen moment, you share with him that you don’t see a relationship on the horizon but that you really have good fun in bed with him. 

You may be surprised and he’s actually happy with that. Or, with a little time, he comesaround to your way of thinking too. Of course, he may not want to see you again if he’s looking for a real relationship. 

If you decide to try the second suggestion, you’ll definitely learn more about quality communication. And that’s good for any part of your life.

Good luck and happy dating x 

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