Time For Some Vulnerability in Your Dating?

We are always told to put “your best foot forward” whether it’s a job interview or a first date – and all points in between. It’s excellent advice, first impressions count across the board. 

If you’re meeting your prospective manager or prospective partner for the first time, they will be taking in everything about you. Just as you do about them. 

And we continue giving off the good impressions when we first start a new job or begin dating someone new. However, at least in your personal life, there comes a time where you need to start revealing the true you. That means, warts and all.

I’ve date coached singles who tried to live up to impossible standards - always being upbeat and positive, never complaining, making themselves an “easy date”. 

After a few months of this it is extremely emotionally draining. That’s not good for you! It also means that you are not developing an emotionally mature relationship with this newish person.

An emotionally mature relationship includes managing your bad times and managing their bad times. It means allowing for mistakes, showing that you are far from perfect, just as they are. Because no one is perfect. 

If you want a truly healthy and loving relationship you need to accept that they will have to see you at your best, at your mediocre, and at your worst.

Relationship research shows those who develop the deepest relationships are those who make themselves vulnerable in these ways. Because, ironically, when you show your vulnerabilities, you also show your strength. 

It takes strength of character to allow him or her into your heart. It’s important to be aware of the difference between vulnerability and dependency. You can open your heart and bring them closer to you without being overly dependent.

Here are two crucial ways to make yourself vulnerable:

*You’ve had a bad day at work. You’re feeling pretty upset about it. In the early days of your first few dates, you would have covered this up. Now it’s time, when they ask how your day was, to let them know it was disappointing or upsetting. You can do so without making it into a drama. Just share your feelings honestly about such situations.

*You have some doubts about yourself. Not necessarily that you don’t feel “good enough” for them, but you wonder if you are right for them. Turn that thinking around. Remember they may be feeling exactly the same way about you and whether they’re right for you. 

Pick your moment (not a drunken moment!). Open up the conversation about how sometimes you feel a little concerned or anxious in yourself. And you can say that you’re working on feeling more confident in the relationship. This could begin a truly positive chat about your newish relationship. 

Once you’ve opened up that kind of conversation you have made progress with this potential, long term partner.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

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