The Main Reason Why You Fall for the Same ‘Type’!
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) explains why our unconscious bias could be influencing our dating decisions.
Do you ever find yourself thinking how that the new person you’re dating actually reminds you of the last person you were dating? Or maybe, they remind you of pretty much everyone you’ve ever dated?
I come across this frequently in my date coaching work. Singles will tell me that they want to date different types of personalities but are always drawn to the same type.
They might be drawn to outgoing people. They might find themselves attracted to someone who is a non-stop joke-teller. Or they might be drawn to ‘mysterious’ people – the ‘still waters run deep’ sort of person. Whatever sort of personality type you’re drawn to, it can be frustrating if these relationships aren’t working out!
Why do some people fall for the same supposed ‘type’?
Research suggests that when you keep falling for the same type of person, it probably says more about your childhood than your life now! This is due to the strong possibility that you are unconsciously playing out the relationship-dynamic you grew up with.
For instance, if you’re a woman and your father was the silent, quiet type of man, that’s what you’re used to. So you are drawn to those type of men. Or let’s say as a man, your mother was a go-getter and a strong character, you’re drawn to that type of woman. And, of course, this premise can apply to same-sex attracted relationships.
That’s all fine apart from the fact that if you had difficulties in your relationship with your parents, that can also be played out in your romantic relationships.
The key thing is to recognise that this may be what you’re doing. Feeling drawn to what you know best – the personality type that you feel pretty comfortable with. If, however, your dating doesn’t go well and these new relationships don’t last, it’s crucial to look for the pattern that breaks you up.
If you butt heads with that strong personality or start to get annoyed with that silent type, wishing they would just express themselves, it’s time to try new ways of relating.
The best way forward is when you get chatting to someone you’ve met - like on Wingman dating app - if you start to feel that sense that you “know them”, that’s probably a sign they remind you in some way of a significant parent. That can be good! But this time, for instance, let that quiet type know you would like them to feel more confident about opening up with you. If they can’t manage that, then you’re free to decide to move on more quickly than you normally would.
Sometimes, just having that knowledge, that you are recreating the relationship you are familiar with – your parent’s relationship – is enough to help you relate in new and more constructive ways.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
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