The 8 Signs Of A Non-Committer

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We all know someone.

In my work, I’ve coached many people who believe they’re with a person who won't commit. Usually they want to explore issues like, are they correct in believing this, why they won't commit and how to make them commit. 

Social research shows that we are increasingly staying single longer and there are diminishing numbers of marriages. The average man gets married at the age of 33 and the average woman at 31.

With so much opportunity to enjoy leisure pursuits, to travel, to change careers, and to have casual sex, coupled with the frenetic pace of life that's detrimental to forming lasting relationships, many people see commitment as a milestone around their neck. Why, when they have so much living to do, should they choose to share it with one person? Also with society accepting there are different ways of having a relationship, many people like to do things on their own terms. 

Another question people frequently ask me is how to tell if someone actually has a commitment issue or if it’s another issue. I've noted at a psychological and emotional level there are eight signs of a non-committer to watch for. This is by no means an exhaustive list but certainly critical signs if you're wondering about the person you’ve fallen for.

1.      Their best friend is the opposite sex

Non-committers view an enduring friendship with someone of the opposite sex as proof that they can have long-term relationships with someone. They believe a significant other can’t turn around and tell them they don't know how to relate to women/men when they’re always hanging out with their gal-pal/boy-pal. This provides a defence mechanism that puts the onus on their partner - they must be the problem since they can certainly relate to women or men generally!

2. They’re guarded about meeting your family or introducing you to theirs

There comes a point where we can quite naturally want to meet each other's friends and family. The non-committer will dream up every excuse under the sun on why they don't want you to meet their family, e.g. that they’re "difficult", they live far away or they don’t see them much anyway. They’ll also back out of meeting yours with some excuse or other.

3.      They had a marriage early in life that failed 

People who’ve had an early taste of marriage that was unhappy, often swear off ever marrying again. This can fool you. Many people think, "they’ve done it before so maybe they'll change their mind and do it again." Don't hold your breath!

4.      They use material goods to make up for bad behaviour 

When behaved badly, the non-committer will use their imagination to buy you a gift as an apology. This means that, rather than sort out the issue properly by giving you support, understanding and love, they can get away with what is actually a shallow effort.

5. Their work, friends or interests come first

Ultimately if you're involved with a non-committer you'll find you come second to something else in their life. Be it forging on with their career, their fantastic circle of friends or their love of, e.g. mountain climbing, you'll have a sense that's their priority – sadly not you.

6.      There's something secretive about them 

This is very different to taking a back seat to other things in their life. Non-committers also have an elusive quality about what they’re up to or doing with their time. Sometimes it's hard to put your finger on it but if your intuition springs to life giving you messages like, "What do they do with their time?" or "I really don't know that much about what they get up to,", you can tick this box.

7.      They’re undeniably good in bed 

Non-committers use their great sexual chemistry as part of their self-protection policy. It keeps you hooked believing that the sexual passion equals passionate love. But on closer examination, the emotional chemistry is definitely lacking. Don't let the good sex fool you into thinking it's the real thing.

8.      Their actions speak louder than words 

A non-committer is skilled at saying the right things but doesn't necessarily do them. You'll find over time that they’re good at saying what you want to hear but nothing happens and promises fail to materialise. A common example is that they “talk the talk" about moving in together and, e.g. the sort of place that’d work, but it never goes any further.

Ultimately if the person you love won't commit to a solid relationship review, these eight signs could determine they’re a non-committer. If your fears are confirmed but you're determined to keep banging your head against a brick wall, you have to question if you’ve an issue about letting go. Because it's time to do so if they haven’t taken the opportunities to deepen things with you.

Originally posted on Dr Pam Spurr’s Blog.

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