Kiss Goodbye to Bad Kissing
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her tips on how to best lock lips.
If you’ve been reading my Wingman columns you’ll know I occasionally dip into questions I get on my website.
I decided to choose this question about kissing because many people worry about doing it well. Here goes…
Dear Dr. Pam,
I’ve been seeing this man for about four weeks after meeting online. We haven’t had sex yet and now I don’t know if we ever will because he hinted that I wasn't a very good kisser. I've not had a lot of experience and now I feel so embarrassed that he thinks I'm bad at it.
He's 38 and I worry he'll think I'm very unworldly as I’m just 30. Part of the problem was he moved his tongue so quickly I couldn't keep up with him. Don’t get me wrong, in a strange way it was really enjoyable but just not what I’m used to.
It’s made me so paranoid I don’t know if I should even go out with him again. Part of me wants to but the other part of me is worried about showing myself up. How can I learn to kiss better? Thanks for your help!
My answer: Let me reassure you that this sounds to me like this isn't a real ‘problem’, i.e., it’s surmountable. However, it strikes me that both of you were kissing each other without actually ‘feeling’ what the other person was doing.
He wasn’t ‘feeling’ the fact you were up probably quite anxious trying to keep up with his kissing-moves. And you weren’t feeling that you could move a bit, so that the kissing stopped and you could restart again.
Get your confidence back by imagining being really relaxed the next time you see him. Focus on this in the days leading up to your next date. Really see it in your mind’s eye! Make sure you’re not stressing about anything and have given yourself plenty of time before meeting up.
When it comes to the point where you two are going to kiss (maybe at the end of the date) say something like: you would enjoy taking it very slowly kissing him. Although the subtext is that things were moving too fast last time, it won’t come across this way. It will come across as you simply wanting to experiment with different sensations with him.
A few more tips: *Anyone (male or female) who’s worried they aren’t very good at kissing should remember to always relax your lips so that they are soft.
*You should also relax your tongue because nothing is worse than a pokey, hard tongue.
*It goes without saying you want to have fresh breath unless you both have just been eating the same, let’s say, garlicky food.
*Keep it playful, use just your lips for a bit and then add in some tongue-action. Then go back to your lips only.
*Kiss around their mouth, too, because the upper and lower lips are very sensitive also.
*Most important of all, ask if it’s feeling good! When done in a soft and subtle tone of voice, it’s very sexy for someone to know you care about what they’re experiencing. And that you want to make it a good experience.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
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