Is it Love or Lust?

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Our Relationship Expert Dr Pam Spurr, explores the difference between Lust and Love. (​Follow her on Twitter @drpamspurr and at )

Whether you’re happy to have sex on the first date or prefer waiting for full commitment, it’s important to get the sex you want. Bad sex can have a powerful effect on your well-being just as good sex can empower you. 

If you’ve had bad sexual experiences, or at any rate unsatisfying ones - and you want to have better sex - it’s important to learn the difference between love and lust. 

Because even if you’re confident and in charge of one night stands, confusing feelings can sometimes undermine your sense of being in control. I’ve always been a huge advocate of not judging other people’s sex lives and sexual choices but also being an advocate of making sure they make decisions from a place of personal power.

Understanding conflicting feelings when they arise is part of this. Like the super-confident woman I recently date-coached, who started to feel emotionally attached to someone who had been her ‘no strings fling’ buddy. She kept thinking, “am I falling in love when really I just want to make the most of being single and dating whoever I like?”

Love vs. Lust  

Is it love you’re feeling or is it lust? It’s confusing and can be overwhelming when that sexual chemistry’s pumping through your body. Just because sexual chemistry has been stimulated by attraction to someone, doesn’t mean you want to jump in bed with them, if at an emotional level you’re looking for more.

Here are some key signs it's lust:

*Lust bowls you over very quickly.

*You’re instantly attracted to them.

*You can’t get them off your mind.

*You hang on their every word.

*You feel powerful desire.

Lust can become love. But don’t let it fool you – if you say it’s ‘love at first sight’ trust me, it is lust. That doesn’t undermine the fact it might develop into love. Three, six, nine months down the line you might truly be in love but it was your body chemistry in those first few weeks going into overdrive.

When things morph into love your feelings deepen and you balance their good and not-so-good points. Yes, you want to have hot sex with them but you’re interested in other things not just their body.

When it becomes love:

*You really care what happens to them.

*You want to make them part of your life.

*You want to be part of their life.

*You want to bring the best out in each other.

*You begin to really trust them and understand what their expectations are. 

Keep these points in mind when you’re in the grip of something very new especially if you’ve been hurt before. Or if you’re feeling lonely and you’re hoping these overwhelming feelings are real love, you risk trying to get too much too soon and getting hurt.

Happy dating, look after yourself!

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