How To Identify A Player

Most women I know have had a bad boy or so-called player experience. It can be a fantastic learning curve on how not to be treated. Unfortunately, some women get trapped in a repeat pattern of going out with bad boys.

But it’s a big thumbs down to getting hurt if all you really want to do is have fun dating and maybe find the real deal: love. 

We all get hurt when things go wrong - no one escapes a broken heart.  

When it’s your turn – and a bad boy messes with your feelings – your mum or friends can have a real impact on your recovery. They help put the pieces of your heart back together and you do the same for them. 

Never underestimate the power of a mum- or girls-talk when, e.g., he’s dumped you by text (humiliating), left you without any explanation (bewildering), or you discover he’s seeing a couple of women he met online and you thought you were his one and only (that’s like a knife to the heart). 

It might be you who decided not to see him again. Maybe he was unreliable or put you down within the first few dates – or whatever - but you were unhappy with something. And that’s not a happy place.

When you’re single and dating, there are lots of ways you can get hurt. Top of the list are the bad boys. It’s best to prepare yourself for meeting one as they’re plentiful.

Here we go - These are the ‘dirty dozen behaviours’ to look out for - 

• He makes jokes at your expense
• He treats you differently in front of his friends - not as well as when you’re on your own
• He talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk – he doesn’t call or do the things he says he’ll do and makes promises he doesn’t keep
• He stood/stands you up and he’s evasive when you ask for an explanation
• He remarks about how good-looking other women are in front of you
• He talks very badly about his exes 
• He always wants sex when he’s with you - you seem to be his booty call (lots of sex in the initial honeymoon phase is fantastic but you should be doing other things together too) 
• He’s incredibly selfish about sex - though some bad boys are great in bed!
• Your ‘dates’ are on his terms – where he wants to go, what time, never about your choices

• He invites you to his house and ignores you – plays computer games, etc.
• When you take issue with him over things he turns it back on you and says you’re paranoid, controlling, etc.
•  He ignores your birthday or big days like Christmas or Valentine’s - any ‘gift’ will be something like taking you to bed

If you meet up with someone and any of these behaviours pop up, think carefully about whether you should run a mile. 

Of course, bad boys can be fun, they can be a challenge, every woman should date a bad boy at some point (as long as he’s not horribly bad) because then you’ll know when you meet the good ones. 

You can separate the men from the boys - the men treat you as an equal and with respect. The boys don’t even think you’re worthy of, e.g., a phone call to cancel a meet up - they leave you hanging on. 

If you want a bit of unpredictable excitement in the short-term by all means date one. That’s your prerogative! But you need to take control of the situation or get well and truly hurt. If you want something deep and meaningful steer clear if they start behaving like the things on my list.

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Follow Dr Pam Spurr on Twitter @drpamspurr  and at www.drpam.co.uk

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