How To Handle It When Your Best Friend Finds Love.
Dr Pam Spurr (on Twitter @drpamspurr) lets us know how to avoid jealousy ruining a friendship.
Covid 19 has struck and caused an international crisis but that hasn’t stopped singles going online looking for love. If anything, it’s more of a reason to try and make those important connections with someone special!
But what happens when two single friends are looking and one strikes lucky? All sorts of complicated feelings of envy, hurt and anger can spring up in the person who feels left behind.
You might assume that when a best friend finds love you’ll be super happy for them. In reality, you might feel bereft as they tell you about the amazing online chats they have with this new ‘soul-mate’.
At a time when you’ve needed your friendship most, this third party comes along. If you're feeling rejected because they’re giving you less time, make sure you keep your friendship on track.
Here are some points to take on board :
Reverse the situation
A reality check will put your tricky feelings in perspective. If you had nabbed your own Mr/Ms Right you’d spend lots of time with them chatting online and then moving onto, e.g. FaceTime. You’d feel excited about it and you’d tell friends.
So it’s natural for your friend to spend online-time with this new person. As long as they aren’t completely ignoring or neglecting you, let things settle over time.
Understand your feelings
Deep down do you really wish it had happened to you? That you’d been the one to find online-love? Are you feeling particularly lonely? Keep positive and your time will come! If you’re stuck feeling bitter about their luck, it’ll come across in the way you relate to others.
You can dump any bitterness, stay connected to friends but also keep your eyes open online.
Are you over-reliant?
There’s other tricky emotional territory to ask yourself about, including if you’ve become over-reliant on their friendship to meet all of your needs?
It’s easier to do than you realise - especially when you’ve been on the dating scene a while and haven’t found someone. You really want to find your own partner but you’ve come to rely totally on this friendship. As I said, it’s important to connect with family and other friends during this time and not rely on one person for your emotional needs.
Never expect one friend to provide all of your ‘fun-time’
Keep this in mind to build on the last couple points. Having a best friend is amazing but they shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of your happiness.
This is the perfect time to finally do things you've left to one side as you spent all your spare time with this friend, who’s now found love. Try new hobbies online, like taking up a new language, following an online-exercise plan, or ordering some arts and crafts items to try at home, etc.
Ultimately, it’s a good idea to think about whether you need to be more generous-spirited. Many confide in me that inwardly they have quite a bit of envy when a friend finds someone new or has good luck generally. And those feelings were around well before the Covid crisis has shown us how much we rely on friends!
Work on getting more generous-spirited towards everyone in your life who means something to you. And with that friend who’s been lucky in love? Make a point of telling them you’re happy for them, be supportive. Your turn will come soon, check the Wingman app regularly!
Sign up now with your wingman by downloading the Wingman app in the App store and Google Play store. Available in the US and UK for IOS and Android devices.
Follow Dr Pam Spurr on Twitter @drpamspurr and at www.drpam.co.uk
Check out Dr Pam’s podcast: https://bit.ly/2JFPjBU
Photo by Abo Ngalonkulu on Unsplash
Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash
Photo by Rifqi Ali Ridho on Unsplash
