Fight the Urge for Too Much, Too Soon!
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her tips on how to tread carefully in a new relationship.
One issue I deal with regularly as a date coach is the ‘too much, too soon syndrome’ where a single wants everything to happen super quickly. This isn’t just older singles but happens with all sorts of ages and personalities.
Here are the key features of the ‘too much, too soon syndrome’:
*You’ve just met (online or in person) but all you can think about is them.
*You start liking everything of theirs on social media.
*You get twitchy if they don’t reply to messages straight away.
*You judge a new relationship and how many messages you to share.
*You want to see them as soon as possible if you met online.
*You start divulges really personal things very quickly.
*You feel upset if they don’t seem to share your desire to get this relationship going
*You want to meet their families/friends as soon as possible.
*Likewise, you want them to meet your friends and family asap.
*You worry that it’s all over if you haven’t heard that from them for a day or two.
*You feel sick in the pit of the stomach if they don’t want to see you, that soon, when you’ve suggested your next meet up.
*You start thinking about things like moving in with them when you’ve only known them a couple weeks.
I think you can get the picture from these sorts of feelings. This ‘syndrome’ can lead to destroying a new relationship. It feels too much to the other person. You can come across as demanding and insecure.
Here are a few key tips if these points I’ve listed – or similar – describe your feelings and behaviour:
1) Make sure your investing time in yourself and your self-worth. Talk yourself up that you are a catch and they won’t run away from you just because you don’t message all the time.
2) Get a crisis buddy to hold your hand through the early phase of this new relationship. They should be a trusted friend or family member that you can message or call when you’re getting twitchy and you’re not sure if you should send another message to this new person. Let them help you calm down and realise that it’s not the end of the world if this person doesn’t message you 20 times a day.
3) Think about how it would feel if someone you like but have only just started messaging is constantly getting in touch - you might feel overwhelmed. It’s a good exercise put yourself in this new person’s shoes.
4) Let them set the pace. Sit back and get on with other aspects of your life and don’t worry about when their next message is coming through.
5) Allow things to build at a slower pace. It may feel hard but it’s well worth the payoff if you don’t push someone away.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
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