Don't let imposter syndrome affect your dating experience
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her tips on how to not let your self-doubt ruin your dating experience.
If you haven’t heard of impostor syndrome (IS) then let me give you a brief definition: it’s the persistent and irrational belief that you have achieved certain things without deserving them. That you have success - and those around you see you as successful - but inside you feel a fraud, an impostor.
I’ve come across this in some singles I’ve coached and it’s important to challenge such thinking. Because ultimately people with IS experience a lot of anxiety and doubt. And that can scupper getting out there dating, with a positive attitude, as a single.
Frequently, I’ve discussed how confidence is what attracts so many people. And also how easy it is for us to read body language and decide whether or not someone has at least some confidence - or is anxious - and not feeling great inside.
IS isn’t limited to us mere mortals, as I’ve worked with some high-powered people who feel this way. Skilled showmen and entertainers often describe this powerful foreboding that they’ll fail because inside they feel like an impostor.
If you look back at someone’s personal history, those with IS, frequently grew up in families who stressed success and achievement to an excessive level. This can establish a fear of failure in someone, so nothing ever feels ‘good enough’ that you do. Maybe that will resonate with you if you suffer from IS.
A few tips to cope:
*To get out there as a single and put your best self forward, first learn to challenge such feelings of being an impostor with facts. Remind yourself of your most recent successes. Embrace the fact you did these things well. Tell yourself that these were genuine ‘wins’.
*Tell yourself that your so-called failures are good learning experiences. Remind yourself that the other singles you meet will also have had ‘failures’ or made mistakes in life. This makes them human, just like you!
*As people with IS experience a lot of anxiety learn to practice some sort of daily relaxation. Whatever works for you is great – from trying meditation to taking a walk and be mindful of your surroundings, etc.
*Put into context why you’ve ended up with IS. For instance, if the family dynamic I mentioned resonates with you, you can decide not to live by that ethos. The ethos that you must always be your best.
*Check yourself as you head onto a date that you don’t expect yourself to be a hundred percent sparkling and brilliant. Tell yourself it’s okay if there are quiet moments and that you don’t have to fill every pause.
*Don’t beat yourself up if a date doesn’t go well. If you both like each other you can laugh about it. If one of you (or both) isn’t interested then chalk it up to experience.
You will know you’re getting on top of your IS tendencies when you start being a little bit gentler on yourself.
Good luck and happy dating x
Sign up now with your wingman by downloading the Wingman app in the App store and Google Play store. Available in the US and UK for IOS and Android devices.
Follow Dr Pam on Twitter and Instagram @drpamspurr and at drpam.co.uk
Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php
