Dating dilemmas - How do I feel confident again?
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her advice on how to feel good again before a new relationship.
Occasionally in my Wingman column I like to answer questions that I get to my website. I get so many questions about dating, and relationships in general, to my site.
Here’s one that I get too frequently, where someone has been in a long relationship and then wants to get back out dating and worry about their body…
Q: Dear Dr Pam,
I was widowed three years ago. Tragically my husband died of a heart attack aged only 40. I really want to meet another man but the problem is I'm afraid to take my clothes off in front of someone new.
Although I'm only 37 my body is not what it once was. I'm worried I'll put a new partner off.
How can I face going to bed with someone new after so long on my own?
A: Your worries are only natural. But from the sounds of it you mustn't dive into bed with a new man. Especially while you have such doubts and your body image is low.
It's important to build trust and to get to know someone when you've been in a committed relationship as you were. You’ve been through so much and it’s obviously knocked your confidence, no one would be surprised by that.
May I remind you that no one has a perfect body. We all have lumps and bumps and wrinkles and crinkles where we wish they weren’t!
So first off, I wish you wouldn’t buy into that horrid myth that our bodies need to be perfect and “room-ready”.
And guess what? Undoubtedly a new man will probably worry over the same things.
Each day I want you to remind yourself of your three best qualities. Things like your good sense of humour, you go getting attitude at work, your kindness, etc.
Focus on these every day to keep your mind centred on what’s important – your great qualities!
When self-critical thoughts and your head, challenge them - tell yourself that you do not put yourself down and you are good.
Take things slowly when you meet someone new, you can build your confidence with them. And also listen to your intuition – if they seem unreliable or a bit ‘off,’ you don’t need someone like that in your life.
Once you do like someone enough to consider having sex with them, try creating a sensual atmosphere with dim lighting and feel-good music. Focus on him and forget your body image worries. Believe me, no man worthy of you will be on the lookout for imperfections!
Good luck and happy dating x
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Follow Dr Pam on Twitter and Instagram @drpamspurr and at drpam.co.uk
Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one: https://drpam.co.uk/art.php
