Getting over gaslighting!
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her tips on how to know if you're being gaslit.
Singles often ask me if, what they’ve been through, when dating, counts as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of abusive control where the perpetrator slowly takes control of a relationship - and the other person - step by step. They then go on to damage that person’s self esteem with a drip, drip, drip of emotionally abusive behaviour.
It can happen quite quickly or develop slowly over many months. One survey of singles found that over two-thirds of women felt they had been gaslit, at some point, by a person they had dated, even briefly.
It can take different forms but two of the main forms include: love bombing you and then starting to undermine you. Or alternatively undermining you right from the start.
When a new person love bombs you, it can feel good. They constantly compliment you, they're always asking if you're okay, they seem to love everything about you. …then when you’ve been lulled into a false sense of security, their behaviour switches.
The alternative, is when they actually start undermining you from the first date, perhaps questioning your choice of outfit.
Top tips to try if you think you've been gaslit:
* Being gaslight often means that you've started apologising for everything, for instance, over choosing the supposedly “wrong” outfit for a night out.
It is time to stop apologising all the time. Because it becomes a habit for those who have been in such a relationship, even for a relatively short amount of dating. Being apologetic for anything and everything becomes a habit that you need to break. Learn to only apologise when you have actually done something, that you would expect someone else to apologise to you for, if they had done it to you.
*As that gas-lighter has probably got you into the habit of minimising your own feelings, it's time to remember that your feelings are important and valid. In the coming weeks when you experience a strong emotion, embrace it, tell yourself you are entitled to that emotion. Fight that inner voice that has maybe learned to tell you that you're over dramatising everything.
*Start valuing your self-worth! Having been in this kind of relationship, you have probably started to think you're not worth any more than what you have been getting from that person. In other words, that you’re not entitled to good treatment.
Scratch those thoughts. Everyday think about the good qualities you have. Tell yourself you are a very worthy person and you are worthy of finding a happy and healthy relationship.
*Stop excusing their gaslighting behaviour. Because you started to excuse it when you were dating them, you might find you still excuse it to people who ask you about this relationship. Despite having got out of it, many people who have been subjected to gaslighting, still find excuses for that person. Don't ever excuse their bad behaviour.
Good luck and happy dating, Pam x
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Follow Dr Pam on Twitter and Instagram @drpamspurr and at drpam.co.uk
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
