Beware of "Future Faking"
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her advice on how to know if a relationship is worth your time.
Just when you think you've heard of all the new dating terms, along comes ‘future faking’. What on earth is this? It's an emotionally unhealthy way of relating to someone you started messaging, or chatting to, on a dating app like Wingman. Or when you meet someone IRL and they start behaving this way.
In the recent past I have date-coached people who have experienced this, and I was surprised to see cases of ‘future faking’.
Future faking is where you pretend to see a future together. Through messaging - or through talking -you describe what the future could look like and the kind of future you're looking for.
What makes it fake is that the person doing this doesn't have any intention of making a real future with the person they're chatting with.
The singles I have coached who have experienced this say that it's extremely disappointing, very hurtful, and makes them wary of getting close to someone again.
So why would someone ‘future fake’?
Having talked about this with clients and thought about it from a psychological perspective, there seems to be a couple of main reasons behind a single behaving like this. And there is a world of difference between these two main reasons for future faking.
Firstly, there are the seemingly harmless people who would call themselves hopeless romantics and dreamers. Once they're in contact with someone, they start to innocently speculate about what a potential future might look like. Such romantics might actually hope a future relationship. However, with the way they view the world through ‘rose coloured spectacles’, they may not have the necessary skills to realistically develop a future relationship.
Then there is the second main type of person who has a darker side. They are the ones who 'future fake' in a manipulative way, in order to gain someone's interest and also their trust.
This type of future faker is potentially detached from real emotional connection for whatever reason. For example, maybe they were badly hurt in the past and so they've erected an emotional barrier. Then they pretty much lead on other singles - in the shape of misguided revenge - with hopes of a future relationship.
I highly recommend being a bit sceptical of someone who starts describing how they see the future, especially early on in your contacts.
What about if YOU have been 'future faking'?
It's time to self-reflect about your dysfunctional future faking behaviour.
Do you need to give up on somewhat immature notions of a classic fairy tale ending? You should definitely take more time before you start painting what a future relationship might look like.
It could be wise to enlist a friend as a dating-wingman if you have a habit of doing this. Put to them what you're thinking of putting on your profile or also thinking of saying when you've started interacting with someone.
If you fall into the malicious category and you simply don't worry about painting a fairy tale future for someone you've just met, I'd highly recommend you take time out of dating. And have a strong word with yourself. However, I doubt that will happen.
If you're meeting people on dating apps or in real life, always take anything said in the early days with a pinch of salt. Some healthy scepticism is wise and can go a long way.
Good luck and happy dating! x
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Follow Dr Pam on Twitter and Instagram @drpamspurr and at drpam.co.uk
If there are any little ones in your life, Dr Pam’s first children’s story book is out now: http://tinyurl.com/36y3xr6n
