Beware of the light-switch effect
Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Twitter & Instagram @drpamspurr) shares her tips on how to deal with differing feelings.
Sadly, I’ve date-coached far too many singles who tell me things like: "It was going so well and then suddenly they dropped out of sight." And: "I thought we really liked each other and then they made some random excuse not to see me anymore." And so on.
This, my single friends, is what I call the “light switch effect” where mysterious things seem to turn off that other person. It’s a bit of a shock because things seemed to be very exciting in your original meet ups. It can really jolt your self-confidence.
And to those it’s happened to, one day you might find yourself experiencing the light switch affect after the first couple dates. You might not even be able to put your finger on the exact reason. Something, from your perspective, is just off about them.
I advise singles not to underestimate how certain behaviours or mannerisms can be a trigger to going off of someone. It is like flicking a light-switch off. Where you were first attracted to them and then usually within the first few meetings something happens that immediately changes your previously positive feelings.
Everything was going fine until this light-switch affect. It is often about subconscious associations, pretty much beyond our control. It happens as easily as this: they suddenly say something in a tone of voice or particular way that, e.g., immediately reminds you of your awful ex partner. You don’t even realise the association but think, “Ooh, I’ve gone right off of them!”
These subconscious things can seem beyond your control. Especially that happens to you regularly and then you should make a conscious effort to see if there’s a pattern as to why you go off people quickly.
Part of this is realising you must be aware of past associations not jeopardising dating in the here-and-now. A new person can just as easily go off you quickly due to such associations.
Some of these things can be hard to put your finger on. But you simply don’t want to go out with them again - or they feel that way about you. Which is why when someone is dumped after a few dates and they ask why, the ‘dumper’ can’t really explain. It’s just something about you that has a negative impact on them.
Other times it can be a conscious light-switch affect. Like when you go to bed for the first time and turns out they have a way of stroking your body that sends the wrong kind of shivers down you. Not the shivers of sexual excitement but the shivers of, “Ugh!”
You can get crucial reassurance from a trusted friend when they don’t want to see you again after a handful of dates and you just can’t work it out. That friend might just remind you of the time you said you didn’t know what it was but a person you started dating and abruptly stop seeing wasn’t the one to you. Yet on first appearances they seemed like a perfectly nice person.
My advice is not to worry too much if this is happening to you. You may never work out what the light switch affect was for them. However, if it’s happening to you regularly, you should think through what is triggering you about the people you choose to meet up with.
Good luck and happy dating x
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