Beware of banter that's too good to be real

Online dating is fantastic! Especially if you have your wingman on board to guide you through.

But I want to flag up a problem that has surfaced in recent years about the messaging you do with that new person you have high hopes for.

This is something people are NOT thinking about with their online communication before you meet face-to-face. Or have that first face-to-face on FaceTime, WhatsApp, etc.

Here’s the scenario: You’re both interested and you have started messaging. You want to put your best banter forward, so to speak, so with every reply you try and be funny, witty or clever.

It’s fantastic! You’ve got the banter of a stand-up comic! They love messaging with you and may even compliment you on your chat. 

But here’s the problem – you’ve always have a moment – or much longer – to think about a funny reply. You take those opportunities and you think through a number of possible replies until you hit on the best one. 

You’re even proud of your banter! However, what happens when you meet face-to-face? It’s impossible to keep that up because suddenly – unless you’re a natural comedian – you don’t have those moments to think through your reply. The conversation has to flow between you but here you are, finally sitting opposite each other and it’s got to come naturally.

In my date coaching, I’ve now had at least 15, maybe 20 people, tell me how it all went wrong when they came face-to-face and their banter was not as sharp and clever as when they were messaging online.

You set yourself up for a fall if you’re being unrealistic in the standard of your messaging. The lesson from this is, please do come back with a clever reply to one of their messages when it flows naturally. But if you’re thinking about it and forcing it, you may well get caught out when you first have a proper date.

It’s best to strike a balance before you have your first face-to-face chat (whether it’s on FaceTime or WhatsApp or in person). So you haven’t upped their expectations to an unrealistic level! That means occasionally during messaging, allowing yourself the thinking-space to come back with a great reply. But for the rest of your messaging, keep it more real, along the lines of how you actually speak to people.

You don’t want them to be sorely disappointed when you’re not doing top-class wordplay on that first date!

Good luck, Pam x

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