Are You Still Thinking About Sex With Your Ex?

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Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (@drpamspurr on Instagram and Twitter) tells us how to spice up your new relationship so you're not thinking about the ex.

It’s often the case that where there might’ve been lots of reasons to break up with your ex, maybe one reason things were sometimes good between you was the hot sex.

But the breakup happened due to the problems you had and you go on to start dating someone new. You’re into this new person but discover that they don’t do it for you in bed. And the sex doesn’t come near what it was with your ex. That new partner might have every quality you want but doesn’t rock your world in the bedroom. 

Unfortunately, many people in new relationships dwell on the fact that sex isn’t as good as it was. I receive many questions about this in the inbox on my website. Quite frankly it can boil down to the fact that your past relationship - that was full of dramas and traumas - had the passion too. And what kept you with your ex, was the great sex!

Here are some key steps to shaking memories of that sexy ex from your mind:

*Time to break it down with what’s going on in the bedroom with your new partner. Could it be they simply need some gentle guidance on how to really turn you on so you don’t feel you’re missing out?

Often the best way forward is to the nudge them into better technique with gentle behavioural cues. So when they do something right – that feels good – ensure you make plenty of “sex sounds“: the sighs, the moans, the ooohs, the ahhhhs - enough signs that they will do more of that.

*Of course you might be feeling a bit cheated right now in the bedroom and that’s because in your last relationship things were satisfying between the sheets. You might experience a feeling of “why do I have to go to a lot of effort in this new relationship?” Scratch those thoughts. This means you’re not seeing your new relationship for what it is – new! 

Looking back at your ex, I’d be surprised if everything slotted into place in bed with them. There probably was quite literally a “bedding in period” where you got to know each other. 

Once things were kickstarted, you two ended up in ‘swinging from the chandeliers mode’ that you remember so well. 

It’s important to check that your attitude now isn’t judgemental about the sex in this new relationship. And that you focus on what could be really good with a little bit of effort. Try new things can be fun, your new partner may really want to try new things too and haven’t had the nerve to suggest them.

*When you’re in the situation it can help you move forward by focusing on the reasons why you broke up rather than now focusing on the great sex you used to have. Remind yourself daily that you and your ex broke up for X, Y and Z reasons. Take off those rose-coloured spectacles.

*Also it’s important to accept that if your new relationship is going to become an emotionally intelligent one, that learning how to talk about things that aren’t working, is absolutely vital. The trick is to choose your moment when you and your new partner are chilled out. Maybe even snuggling up. Highlight a positive that you two have going for you since you started dating. Then, with that feel good-vibe, whisper how you would like to try A, B or C with them in bed. You’ll probably get a great - and somewhat horny - response!

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