Are you putting up these love barriers?

You might also like:

Our relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (On Instagram and Twitter @drpamspurr) reveals the signs that may be holding you back from finding love.

You may have many fears that can potentially hold you back from being happy within yourself and finding love. Every person needs to challenge their anxieties, fears and worries and has the potential to do so - now's the time to start challenging yours!

Here are some typical love barriers I'm going to highlight for you. Even if you think some of them don't affect you, have a read through as you might learn something!

Lack of confidence 

Feeling "not good enough" or "unworthy" is one of the most common and important issues that hold us back from enjoying healthy and happy relationships. Low self-confidence is prevalent in our society that places so much emphasis on "success" of every kind, including having the perfect romance and relationship. Here's an analogy to consider - think of your basic confidence levels as the equivalent of foreplay before sex. If you don't have foreplay, you're very unlikely to have great sex! The same is true with confidence - if you don't have adequate levels you’re unlikely to find a happy and loving relationship. This is because women with low confidence tend to attract men that’ll take advantage of that. They read the signs that you’re emotionally vulnerable and don't think much of yourself, and see you as an easy target for a quick fling on the one hand - or on the extreme end of things, an abusive relationship.

The flipside to that is that you’re far more likely to attract people who feel good about themselves - and so don't need to take advantage of you to make themselves feel better - when you feel good about yourself. One survey of what people were looking for in a partner found that confidence was one of the top desirable personality traits apart from being a happy person.

Top confidence tips - * A great starting point is to affirm to yourself every day your three best personal qualities. Write them on Post-it notes that you stick in convenient places you're likely to see them - the bathroom cabinet or desk drawer. * Choose something that you’re good at and develop that into a hobby. Research shows that women who pursue active interests, that they feel good about, have higher self-confidence. * When that "little devil on your shoulder" starts running you down, change your inner voice into a more positive and soothing one.


Being shy and keeping yourself to yourself obviously impairs your ability to develop relationships. Shyness usually develops in people who are overly critical of themselves. They also believe that everyone notices their faults. It becomes easier to withdraw from even trying to meet people or venture into a relationship.

Top shyness tips - * Remind yourself that people are very busy in our modern world and are not focusing on you and your faults! * When you first meet a date, turn the spotlight on them, and ask them questions. * Focus on one thought at a time when first speaking to someone as shy people tend to let thousands of thoughts swirl around their mind and then become tongue-tied.

Insecure body image 

There’s enormous pressure for us to be physically perfect. Not only are we expected to look attractive but were expected to be as slim and toned as possible. The basic human figure was not designed for perfection! It was designed for physically challenging tasks back in the hunter-gatherer days and to reproduce. Body image research I was involved in found that the majority of women worry frequently about their physical attractiveness. These insecurities hold them back from living life to the full. Do you want to lie on your deathbed and be able to say that you had the most fun and interesting life possible or that you stopped enjoying yourself because you weighed a stone too much? 

Top body image tips - * Most people don’t focus on just the physical appearance but the overall package, particularly the body-language signals. Stand confidently, smile as if you mean it, and remember you’re fabulous. * Emphasise the parts of you that you feel best about. There are so many fashion tricks to put to good use to enhance your best attributes. * Stand in front of a mirror, preferably naked, and "soften" the way you look at yourself. Be gentle on yourself and affirm that you are wonderful the way you are.

Talking about an Ex 

There's nothing less attractive than a bitter partner who drones on about their ex that treated them badly. Such a person who's been "bitten" badly and can’t let go of that of the past is far less likely to find love. Even at a subconscious level many people who've been hurt give off the message that they are convinced the next partner will be just as bad as the last and that no one can ever make them happy. Can you blame a potential date being put off by those messages?

Top tips if you've been hurt - * Don't bring up your ex when you meet a new-person. Save that conversation for a time when they know all about your wonderful qualities. * Remind yourself that you wouldn't want to be "tarred and feathered" with the same brush. You want to be seen as an individual to the new person you meet. * If you’ve been hurt then take things slowly. You're less likely to be hurt if you don't plunge into a new relationship.

The Princess Syndrome 

So your love life has been like a dessert - a bit barren and dry. Then a new person arrives on the scene - how exciting! There's a huge temptation to keep your mobile on at all times - even the middle of the night - and never, ever to miss their calls. I call this the Princess Syndrome where you keep your life on hold waiting around in your Gilded Tower for him to ask you out. The last thing you should do is stop your life for a new man. If anything, you’re far more interesting if you're a busy and fun woman rather than the one who picks up the phone after the first ring!

Top Princess tips - * Don't cancel plans with, e.g., your friends if he asks you out spontaneously. Instead suggest the next evening that you’re free. 

Putting it on a platter 

You think you're an independent and liberated person - and you should be! You think you can handle sex on your terms - and that's fine if you can. But many people tell me that what they were really looking for was romance and a relationship not just sex. Put it on a platter and most people will take it - even the good ones. 

Top tips about sex – * Don't use sex to get love. Be clear about what you want when you meet someone new. * Don't be pressured into sex before you're ready. It won't be as sensational as you deserve and why should you rush anything you don't want to? * When you're ready always practise safer sex. * A rule-of-thumb for knowing that you’re ready for sex on your terms is when you can actually talk about important issues with the new person in your life. If you can’t talk to them why would you want to share your body with him?

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

Originally published on Dr Pam Spurr’s blog

Sign up now with your wingman by downloading the Wingman app in the App store and Google Play store. Available in the US and UK for IOS and Android devices.

Follow Dr Pam on Twitter and Instagram @drpamspurr and at

Check out Dr Pam’s art gallery and shop for gift ideas, fantastic for a loved one:

Photo by Ashley Williams from Pexels

Photo by Moose Photos from Pexels

Photo by Jopwell from Pexels