6 Post-Break Up Traps We Fall Into
Guest Author and sex and relationship expert, Dr Pam Spurr tells us what to avoid when we're ready to date again.
Dating Again after a Breakup...
It's got to happen sometime after the big heartbreak - you get the courage up, friends push you forward and you start to date again. Yet, there's so much that can scupper your chances to find romance when you’re still a bit vulnerable and shaky. So it's best to be aware of the six classic post-breakup traps we fall into.
Post-breakup Trap No. 1: You'll show them!
Inside you think the best way to get back at your ex is to show them how quickly you can hook a new boyfriend or girlfriend. Dating for this reason usually backfires. The person you meet gets mixed signals from you - probably because you drop mentions of your ex into your conversation too much.
How to sort it: If you simply want to get back at your ex then using another person to do so is one of the worst possible ways. In fact, it can make you look a bit desperate. And you don't want that! Instead when you cross paths with your ex, hold your head high, put on a confident front and just act as if life is a bed of roses.
Post-breakup Trap No. 2: You're so lonely!
You're used to having your ex's arms ‘on tap’ - they could give you cuddles after a bad day, a row with your mum or falling out with your boss. Now the lonely nights seem to stretch on for an eternity. Unfortunately looking for love when you're still feeling bags of loneliness tends to mean you'll take anyone- even someone who is just after a hook-up.
How to sort it: Rely on your friends to see you through the lonely nights. Stay away from one-night-stands that’ll make you even lonelier. Get out and try some new hobbies - take an evening class, join a gym, etc - and even make more new friends.
Post-breakup Trap No. 3: You're feeling a bit bitter!
If your breakups left you feeling bitter then you're likely to put off new people asking you out. They can sense such negativity a mile away.
How to sort it: Definitely rationalise such irrational feelings. Even if your ex broke your heart or maybe cheated on you, not all relationships are like that. When you have such thoughts stop yourself immediately and challenge them.
Post-breakup Trap No. 4: Rose coloured spectacles!
Don't get caught up feeling there'll never be another person like your ex. Especially if your breakup was something that couldn't be helped e.g. they had to move abroad for the most exciting job ever. Putting them on a pedestal and seeing them through rose coloured specs means you don't give others a chance.
How to sort it: Keep even that seemingly perfect ex in perspective. No one is perfect. Remind yourself of the times you argued or when they could be a bit difficult. Getting that perspective will get you ready to date again.
Post-breakup Trap No. 5: Being single is sad!
Some people only get their self-worth through the person they have hanging on their arm. They define themselves completely by their relationships. If they're single they believe they must be a bit sad. This'll definitely come across as irrational and probably desperate to the people you're now meeting.
How to sort it: Start relishing all your good points - the things that make you, YOU. Think about the things your friends appreciate in you. Stop believing that you're only a worthy person if you're part of a couple. Enjoy doing things with your friends and as a single.
Post-breakup Trap No. 6: The ticking clock!
So you're at a certain age where your biological clock isn't only ticking, it's positively banging. You're very aware you need/want to have children in the next few years. This puts you at risk of making a bad choice and taking anyone as long as they can give you children.
How to sort it: Date by the ‘rule of three’ - if you like someone after three dates keep seeing them. If you're not that bothered then don't waste your time. Without appearing desperate, you do need to keep time on your side. Keep calm and confident and use every opportunity to meet people and keep your dating life active.
Follow Dr Pam Spurr on Twitter @drpamspurr
For more Life and Love advice, visit her website here: http://www.drpam.co.uk/
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Originally posted on Dr Pam Spurr’s blog
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