5 Tips On How To Deal With A Commitment Phobe

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Relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr (on Instagram and Twitter @drpamspurr) gives us her tips on how to equally weigh out the love in a relationship.

I've coached many people  who were dating "semi-reluctant" people with commitment-phobe tendencies. What's frustrating is the fact that the people concerned are obviously smitten with the other party. However it's usually one little personality quirk on their part or doubt that holds them back from committing fully.

If this happens to be the case with you then no fear as help is at hand! Here are my five select and quirky ways to their heart that'll help them down the road of commitment.

1/ A Little Distance 

No matter how in love you are, it's off-putting being with someone who wants to stick to your side 24/7. It's lovely being a cosy couple and men enjoy closeness as much as women. But definitely give them a chance to miss the wonderful you by taking the occasional weekend away with your friends or to visit your parents. The key to this ploy is to make sure the couple days or nights running up to when you go away for the weekend are absolutely fabulous. You'll leave them wanting more of you!

2/ The Success Of Surprise

Although we need some amount of routine to our lives to make sure we meet our various responsibilities, it's important to show them that life with you wouldn't be dull as dishwater. Many couples make the mistake of thinking that they have to furnish the surprises in their relationship - particularly of the romantic type. Reverse the tables and get thinking of some surprises to do for them. Maybe book tickets to that concert or racing event they’ve wanted to see or buy them something thoughtful out-of-the-blue rather than waiting for their birthday. Take them on a magical mystery tour where you drive them, or get the train tickets, to a wonderful part of the countryside to enjoy a picnic. And if money is a problem, the surprise can still be special - like them arriving at your flat to find a candle-lit picnic on your sitting room floor. 

3/ The Feel-Good Factor

Although men are notorious "shed dwellers" when stressed at work or faced with other problems, show him how good he can feel around you. The trick is your timing and reactions. If he arrives home, or you meet up and he's stressed, don't badger him with 50 questions assuming that talking about it will make him feel better. Men hate that and almost expect women to react like that. Instead show him how you'll respect his wish for, say, a quiet drink until he feels like opening up. It might make you feel good to gabble away about the stresses of your day but you need to respect what makes him feel good about certain things. Neither of your ways of doing things is better than the other - but by creating a feel-good factor for him you'll strengthen your bond. 

4/ Musical Genius

Ever more research confirms the power of music in everything from mood to concentration, to attract or repel us, and to calm or excite us. Be wise in the way you use music around them. Everyone has different musical tastes - the key is push your taste onto theirs if they differ. Instead get to know their tastes and use this knowledge to good effect. For example, if they like driving to a particular type of music because it makes them feel good and energetic then play that when you're hoping for a light-hearted and fun evening. If you know they have a 'guilty pleasure' and love a certain ballad singer, play that music while you share dinner. If they mention a certain band connects them to their youth, play them when you know they’re stressed to elicit happy memories. They may not be able to put their finger on it but they'll feel emotionally connected to you through this gesture. 

5/ Seventh Heaven

Cooking is definitely one way to a person's heart - but one of the other main ways is through sensuality. Devise some wonderful "sensual signature" technique of your own that you know they'll love. It may be a certain way you caress or kiss them. But experiment a little and listen to the sighs/sounds they make - the sighs let you know they’re enjoying some particular technique. Make that one your own signature one. Then make sure you do this to them regularly leaving them feeling they can't get enough of you.

Good luck and happy dating, Pam x

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